i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
real
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies