I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids