[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
You Might Also Like
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
A Match(.com), but for socks.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.