[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.