@trevso_electric: I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@RamblingMachine: My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother's prospective children. I said I'll name the girl 'Denise' and the boy 'Denephew'.
@lisaxy424: 4th grade student: How old are you? Me: Quite a bit older than you. Student: So like 23? Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
@thepunningman: [murder scene] detective: "she drown?" cop: "after a blow to the head" d: "what's he doing?" me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]