I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay