I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting