I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
concern
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”