@SoNotBrendan: I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that's a lot of weed.
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@InternetHippo: GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We— [pug walks by] GOD: What…the HELL…is that
@ericsshadow: Interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have?
@SkunkFarts: There's a girl that I hate in my office that's white but looks like 'Precious'. I've been calling her "Pressure" & blaming my farts on her.
@Piecezilla: The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.