Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
NASA has no chill
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
our love story in four pictures
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.