@SoNotBrendan: I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that's a lot of weed.
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@DumbAlias: Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep. Check on sleeping baby. Can't hear breathing...prod sleeping baby Repeat
@PaperWash: "Sorry I'm late" Why are there scratches all over your face? "Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu? "It's my cat's best move"
@anylaurie16: Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.