I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
it must be school picture day
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water