I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.