Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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sleeping beauty
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
when there are deer in the woods
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.