@loudmouth_usa: I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I'm around 104 alcoholics
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying "at least I didn't kill anybody" to like every person he sees today.
@jimmy_sharpe: [lights focus on guy in interrogation room] "Say it. SAY IT." *points at sign saying "Worcestershire Sauce"*
@iwearaonesie: *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING