tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Happy Thanksgiving
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war