I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”