I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Peace was never an option
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Still my favourite meme.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned