I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof