I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
R.I.P.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Monday
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture