I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
going to the ER y’all need anything
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.