I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.