@runolgarun: I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
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@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@meh_thinks: The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
@SortaBad: Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill
@uccjeb: Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.