I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”