Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”