You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
You Might Also Like
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.