If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww