I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Owl Sanctuary
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree