I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-