I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
went fishing caught a bass
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?