I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
crying
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I feel it