@Book_Krazy: I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn't exist.
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@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@ryaninco: There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
@nbadag: [commercial] WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim? NARRATOR: geese
@KeetPotato: accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"