I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Going to church you guys need anything
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m too immature for adultery.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.