I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.