I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
You Might Also Like
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I’m an avid indoorsman.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday