@lovemydogduck: I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@NicestHippo: TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man MEDIA: You're a monster TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what's ruining our country
@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
@nthonyswan: Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.