“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro