Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You Might Also Like
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.