I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.