@PressOneForNo: I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she's 18
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@Chumpstring: I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
@bitchofficially: I'm gonna start a woman's monthly magazine called "Period", and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers