@Vodkantots: I really hope my family doesn't give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
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@nayomeewallace: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
@BlazedDonuts: The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
@Playing_Dad: [3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.
@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.