Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
#CatsOnTwitter
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My god she’s good.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture