I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!