I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.