The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
my mom making me talk to relatives
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
#SCOTUS one-star review
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars