Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit