I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.