I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.