I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves