@LoveNLunchmeat: I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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@david8hughes: Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.
@nealbrennan: If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
@Reverend_Scott: He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens. - E.T. (1982) PG
@WetzelGeek: Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."