I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
So creative 😂
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.