@LoveNLunchmeat: I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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@SamuelHLowe: I'm sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don't really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]
@withanewname: Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship
@ThePocketJustin: Sheryl Crow: This ain't no disco. This ain't no country club either. Sheryl Crow - The world's worst archaeologist.