I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You Might Also Like
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[montage of me giving-up]
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Social distancing in Australia:
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
There is no “we” in pizza
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.