I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..