I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: