“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app