@SamGrittner: The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.

@tnylgn: If you're wearing khaki above the waist I'm going to assume you know everything about every animal.

@ericsshadow: [hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted

@chilldadpalguy: name a hurricane "Jesus" cuz then u could say "Jesus is coming" & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture