@MunkMania: HIM: What are you doing? ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can't trust the banks you know. HIM: How much is in there? ME: $5.40

@TheBoydP: I don't understand why they named it "sandpaper" when the obvious name "office toilet paper" was right there in front of them.

@MikeOdenthal: i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad

@JuliusGoat: By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

@PetrickSara: Them: children are innocent and go to heaven Me: so you're saying Hell is child free?