“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You Might Also Like
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A new level of troll.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
pep talk
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no